It’s that time again! Most of you are starting
mandatory prison school this week (yay free education!) and I wanted to spread my words of sarcasm wisdom over your little minds like a piece of toast.
Middle Schoolers: Grades 6-8. Ages: …uhhhmmm…*thinks back a million years* 11-…14? I think. Yes. All you little flowers just ready to blossom into BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLIES! Butterflies below, in case you didn’t know.
Majestic Psychedelic Wind Fairies.
**SEE END OF POST FOR MAKING FRIENDS :)**
“Lisa Frank is my hero.”
1.) You are an individual. Just like everybody else. (I remember having a black shirt from HotTopic that said that. 7th grade represent! My favorite year.) Do whatever you want. True friends will recognize you for your awesomeness, and to be 100% honest, I have only kept in touch with 2 people from middle school. Friends come and go, so enjoy their company while you have things in common, and learn to bow out gracefully when your paths take different directions. :)
2.) No boy that you date is going to be your husband. I’m sorry, but that’s true. So go on dates, have lunch together, cuddle in the hallways before classes, but don’t profess your undying love. It will die
or date all of your friends except for you and then try to get with you 7 years later even though his side girl is preggo and he is balding and fat and smells REALLY weird now for some reason. Don’t worry. Just enjoy your movie dates and sweaty hand-holding.
3.) You probably still have a uniform, I’m guessing. Most middle schools do. Don’t worry! You can still be super stylish by accessorizing! Headbands, bracelets, necklaces, watches, rings (at one point I wore a ring on each finger. I was so thug ya’ll. JK PLEASE don’t wear a ring on each finger. I can’t believe my mother let me do such embarrassing things.) and even earrings! Claire’s is your best friend. If I could do it again, I’d be all up in XXI. *sigh*
4.) Friends can be so much drama sometimes. And you know what? That’s okay because I bet you have been dramatic before, too. Don’t lie.
I was the queen of all the drama llamas. This time is all about doing what you want to do. Do you like singing? Join the choir. Do you like dancing? Join a dance team. Are you REALLY bad at dancing but still want to dance anyway? Join a dance club!! An after school club or team is a GREAT way to make friends! They have to like you, and when you get to high school, you’ll already have people to sit with at lunch! Sweet.
5.) SKINCARE! You may not be allowed to wear make up yet, but that doesn’t mean you should neglect your face! Start early! Get a nice, gentle face wash and moisturize before bed! (Don’t get anything for acne if you don’t have it yet!) Then in the morning, just splash your face with water and you’re good to go!
Which leads to…
6.) MAKE UP! If you are allowed to wear make up, please remember that you are 12. You have been blessed with the natural beauty of youth. USE IT! There will be plenty of time to use heavy foundation to cover wrinkles and acne when you’re older – but now is not the time to look like toddlers in tiaras!
That show gave me nightmares. A bit of mascara and lip gloss is perfect! You’ll look sophisticated and fresh. *If you do have acne and try to cover it up with make up, be careful not to use too much. (This BB cream by L’Oreal is really good for covering up redness while not technically being a foundation. http://www.lorealparisusa.com/en/products/makeup/face/bb-cream/magic-skin-beautifier-bb-cream.aspx ) You don’t want to look “cake-y.” In fact, here is a hilarious youtube video about the OHGODWHY’s of make up.
7.) Be glad of your time. I know you just want to be older and have a car and a phone and your own life, but do you know what comes with those things? Bills. So many frakking bills. OH MY GOD. The bills. Want a car? Car: car payment, insurance payment, gas for car (which is like $3/gallon right now OMG that’s like $30 for three days in my car), maintenance payment, registration payment, payment to switch title, and inspection payment. Do you know how much money that is? When you mom is like hey I’ll drive you, be like YES THANK YOU! Because you just saved like $11,100. Yeah. Awesome.
8.) TELL ME! What are you scared of? Any questions? Since I am the magical fairy of knowledge, I know so many things and
am always right am living vicariously care about ya’ll. Comment below!
1.) JOIN. ALL. OF. THE. CLUBS. You will make so many friends and it will be great. Have a huge test to study for? Nab a friend and sprawl out on the floor munching on snacks until curfew. Hang out with people as much as possible. Once you graduate and start real life, you will miss the OBNOXIOUS AMOUNT OF FREE TIME. Seriously. All the things I could have done, but didn’t do because “I’m tired.” No. You don’t know tired. Tired is 8 hours of working a minimum wage job, and then rushing to college campus for a 3 hour night course, and then 2 hours of studying/writing papers, and then 5 hours of sleep.
2.) Don’t be a ho. And if you’re going to insist on being a ho, be a smart ho and use protection. Ten years ago, the schools weren’t big on safe sex education, and LET ME TELL YOU I can’t even remember how many of my friends disappeared or came to school super pregnant. Mostly because they were being hos, but also because they didn’t know any better and didn’t know how to be safe :(
IF YOU MUST BE A HO, AT LEAST BE A SAFE HO. CLICK FOR INFORMATION.
3.) Keep your friends close, and ignore the people who are bullies/mean. You know what is a nice feeling? This girl used to pick on me because I wasn’t a party girl and didn’t have a boyfriend (or a first kiss until I was 17…). You know where she is now? Living in a really nice house with a loving husband and three beautiful children, and is a model for race car ads. And she’s super nice now. If I had given in to her bullying and been mean back, we wouldn’t be friends. That story didn’t make any sense.
4.) Stick up for yourself. There is a difference between “omg you’re so ugly, why did you wear that skirt? I’ll help you by going shopping with you!” and “hey, stop picking on that autistic student, you twat.” One is being a snotty teenager, and one is acting like an adult and sticking up for what you believe in. I’m not good at advice.
5.) Eat so much. Your metabolism is probably in it’s prime right now. Take advantage. .___. eat all the horses. Or whatever.
1.) You do not need to raise your hand to leave the class. You’re an adult, and you’ve paid for the classes. If you need to leave early for a doctor’s appointment, don’t make a big scene in the middle of class – email your professor that you will be leaving a bit early, and sit by the door to make a quiet exit when you need to.
*IF YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND SOMETHING THAT THE PROFESSOR JUST SAID, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RAISE YOUR HAND AND ASK THEM TO REPEAT IT/EXPLAIN. You paid actual money to take this class, and you have every right to learn. Some other kids might moan and make sarcastic comments: FUDGE THEM. Not everyone’s brain can be SPONTANEOUS WIKIPEDIA ARTICLES.*
2.) Don’t be the kid that constantly challenges the professor or other students when your opinion is different. Especially if you’re only taking your core basics. Yes, you are allowed to think and have your own mind, but 98% of the other students in that room just want to memorize what they need for the exams and be on their way. (Unless you’re working towards your Bachelor’s/Masters.) No one wants to listen to you interrupt in ever. single. class. NOBODY.
3.) DO YOUR HOMEWORK. You may have a class that doesn’t require homework, but has optional exercises. Do them. When your only grades for a course are 4 exams at 25% each, you cannot afford to fail one. Trust me. 9/10 times, the professor will use questions that you saw in the optional homework. Ballin.
4.) Be yourself. Maybe you’re still finding yourself. Maybe your roommate is a giant asshole. Focus on YOU. My college experience was a disaster because I kept trying to be friends with everybody. That is not possible. I still get sad when I think about how much I WASN’T ME.
5.) GET AN INTERNSHIP. When you graduate, you need experience to land a job, not just a degree. If you don’t have time for a job during college, an internship and even volunteering will count as those pesky “3-5 years of experience required”s. The last thing you want is to work at Bath & Body Works at minimum wage with shizzy hours because your resume only has high school related accomplishments. :( *my life.*
I think I just felt like typing a bunch of random words.
Is this offensive? Meh. I’m going through emotional crazy times. I can’t see past dinner.
AGREE WITH ME? DISAGREE WITH ME? LIKE/DISLIKE THE WORDS? LEAVE A COMMENT.
(Also, I had a pregnancy scare recently and need to research baby names that can be both Mexican/White girl. I don’t want to accidentally name my baby girl Mallory, and then she be super dark skinned with Aztec features. Similarly, I don’t want to name her Consuelo and then she end up having super see-through-vampire-pale skin with my family’s blonde hair and chubby cheeks. How much would kids make fun of her in school. HELP!! This whole mixed race marriage thing is hard. I can’t count how much we get stared at when we go out in public. People have gone out of their way to call me a racist bitch when I ask questions like this, but honestly, I just need your help picking non-racial-specific baby names.)
Also, I’m having a very hard time right now. Your encouraging words and messages get me through every single day. I made spaghetti last night and the sauce got all over my stove.
SO a question was answered in the comments, and I thought I’d tack it on here since it is relevant!
Alex asked: “Im starting high school later this month and I’ve never had any friends in middle school because I was the shy loner in the back that got bullied by everyone, so I have no idea on how to go about making friends. I’m moving so practically no one from my old school is gonna be at my high school which means I can start afresh but I don’t even know how to start a conversation…there aren’t any clubs for school so that’s out of question. Do you have any tips on making friends or such? To be more social?”
WHY YES, I am full of the most fabulous advice ever. LET’S ANSWER YOUR QUESTION!
My go-to life tips on making friends:
1.) Save ALL of your clever, witty sarcasm for AFTER you have made a few friendships. Sarcasm will come across as arrogant, rude, and downright mean if the people don’t know you. It can be SUPER awkward if EVEN WORSE, they don’t even UNDERSTAND the “joke” you just made. Imagine that silence. Ugh. *shudders*
2.) Stay POLITE and POSITIVE! The best advice I ever got was from a guy who told me, “you know, you’re really pretty and all, but the only things I ever hear you talk about is how sad your life is.” And it’s true. People generally like to spend time with people who make them feel good. So listening to a girl cry about how poor she is does not sound like fun to most people. Keep your conversation topics on the happier side in the beginning.
3.) If the people you’re chatting with start throwing shade at other students like “ugh can you believe she wore that” and “has she ever heard of deodorant,”
Fucking RUN. Those are the worst kind of people because as soon as you turn your back, they will say the same things about you. Say no to poison.
4.) The best time to meet people is during lunch. Like, just gather your man balls and sit down with some kids who look nice and say, “hi! My name is ____! I’ve just moved here and was wondering if I could eat with you.” 9/10 times they will say yes and be extra nice since you’re new. If you happen to choose the 1/10 who are bitches and say no, frakkthem, you don’t want to be friends with snobby hos anyway.
5.) ADVICE FROM ANONYMOUS: “Never let a guy’s presence in your life stop you from doing something you want to do. Even though I had a steady boyfriend through most of college, if I wanted to participate in something, I did it, even if he didn’t want to. I had so many experiences that otherwise, I would have missed out on.”
I know it is SO SCARY to put yourself out there, but the quickest way to get your “feelers” out is to just be friendly and outgoing.
Then, once you’ve talked to a few people during classes or breaks, they will introduce you to their friends, and BAM instant friendships.
Safe new-friends topics:
- TV shows – “My FAVORITE TV show ever is Firefly, but right now I’m binge watching GOT and Last Ship. Did you catch America’s Got Talent last night?” (Feel free to list one dorky/nerdy show just in case they are cool people and catch the reference, but list one current popular show so that you have common ground to talk about. Your favorite show becomes immensely less cool the more you have to explain why The Alliance is trying to kill the Brown Coats but the main cast includes a prostitute and a psychopath science experiment…trusts me…)
- BRIEFLY your old school – “I went to SNARKDOG HIGH, but we moved because my dad got a new job. I really liked it there because they had a huge campus, but I your school if great because of all of the after school activities.” (DO NOT try to tell them all about your BFF that you left behind, or the kids you hated, or the ex boyfriends that you left. Those are topics for later conversations IF they ask. You don’t want to scare them off too quickly.)
- Teachers – “I’m looking at my schedule, and it says I have a teacher named LOCKTOPUS? Am I saying that right?” They will most likely correct your pronunciation and talk about other teachers and how good/bad they are. It’s a bonding thing, I don’t know.
- Clubs – “I used to take dance lessons before I moved here…are there any clubs here that are similar?” BAM. Conversation. You’re welcome.
- Malls/Movie Theaters – “I’m not too familiar with the area…where is the closest mall/movie theater? I’ve been meaning to buy a new dress/see TMNT.” It’ll be a brief conversation, but it’s safe.
GOOD LUCK, MY PRETTIES!! If you have additional advice, leave it in the comments :)